Diary of a Mad Webfarmer

When you commit to owning a horse for their whole life, you know that there's going to be That Day happening at some point.

Sometimes That Day is a day early, sometimes it's a day late.

And sometimes That Day just happens Right Now. Not when you want it, not when you've planned, but...it just slaps you hard, right in the face, that this has to be The Day.

That day was yesterday for the horse of my heart, Miss Olena Chic (Mocha), who I had owned for twenty years. I had already discussed the need to put her down this fall because she just wasn't going to do well in the coming winter. Held that discussion with the vet, the ranch owners, and my husband. We'd agreed that she would have one last good summer (hopefully), eating grass, hanging out in one of her favorite fields, having time with Her Gelding, getting lots of treats and being loved on. Which was happening.

I knew things were going downhill. The bone spurs on her problematic right knee were starting to make the cannon bone (big bone between the knee and hoof in a horse's foreleg) twist noticeably this last week. But she was still getting around, and was even managing to canter-hobble when I called her for grain, treats, and attention (oh, was she ever holding her head high and proud those days when she figured out how to canter with that bad knee). Then it became a trot, then a walk, and then...yesterday.

She had taken to standing under a big willow in the front of the pasture she was in, especially if I was coming later than usual. So I wasn't surprised by that, or by the nicker she gave me. But then...she didn't come to her usual feeding spot. My heart sank because at that point I knew. I called her again, offered her an apple slice with the painkiller she's been on for the last few months and...she could barely walk. Her legs quivered with the effort. I coaxed her over, gave her grain and treats, and called the husband because it was clear that something had happened over the last twenty-four hours. She had been walking fine the day before, hanging out with a whitetail doe and her fawns.

No signs of stress, like she had been running and strained something. Just a little sweaty under her heavy mane, which was normal for her on a hot summer's day. I checked her water trough and she had been drinking from it. She was eating normally, acting normally, except...there were signs of a possible neurological issue.

You don't call the vet for a last-ditch treatment for this. Not for an old mare that the vet has already shaken his head as he says "no more winters." If you call the vet, it's euthansia time.

I went to the ranch. Burst into tears when I told the ranch owner's daughter and asked her for another pair of eyes in case I was wrong (she's Miss Rodeo Oregon 2026 and is very experienced in her own right). Her parents were out of town but almost back. Dez eyed Mocha and agreed, calling her parents. Something bad had happened. Jeffrey dropped Vixen off when they got to town and...more consensus. We decided to try to get her on a trailer and back to the ranch. While Mocha's never been that friendly with Vixen, she's always loaded well for her and--no hesitation, no problems. Thankfully.

Then the discussion at the ranch. Today or tomorrow? Gunshot or vet visit tomorrow? Thankfully, I'd already had that discussion with Jeffrey because they've dealt with a lot of older horses who need to be put down. The recommendation was gunshot because sometimes the euthanasia meds don't work as well with older horses, and they'll fight them, making those last few minutes awful and fearful for the horse. Mocha was a tough old girl--and I feared that she would fight it. So no, no vet. Tonight, because it was cooler and we all feared given the rapid progress of her deteroration that she would go down and not be able to get up, making things more complicated. She was already in pain, why put her through more?

She was happily eating hay in the trailer. I gave her the last peppermints while Vixen quickly braided her tail and clipped the braids so I would have a keepsake. Then it was watching the trailer and backhoe go out to the back field, and stand with Marker, waiting for the end. All the horses on the ranch were fussing and anxious because they knew something was up. Marker called to Mocha when the trailer went out. Then he stood while I cried on his neck (I'd cried on Mocha's neck in the trailer), nuzzling me and licking me.

We waited while Jeffrey dug the hole with the backhoe. Then the trailer headed back. Marker screamed and called as the trailer went by, fussing when there wasn't an answer. Shortly after, the final shot.

She was a fine horse. I'll write a little bit more about the twenty-five years I knew her at another time, because I had been around her from a foal, even though I didn't buy her until she was five. I have a big collection of ribbons she won at various shows, and a belt buckle she won. I have one of her shoes, a portion of one tooth, and the braids. Plus tack--some of which has not been repurposed for Marker--and pictures. She had been bred to be a show horse and did pretty darn good at it.

But right now there are still tears and an empty spot in my heart.

 (alas, no pictures because Dreamwidth insists that I link to something with a URL. SIGH.)

One of the reasons I like being self-published is the ability to look at things I’ve put out there and say “well, that didn’t work. The foundation of the story is good, but it’s not resonating with readers…let’s try something different!”

(note: this is often after sending this out to betas and having editing done. I don’t want lectures about the joys of critique groups, traditional publishing, etc etc ad nauseum.)

Sometimes that means ripping apart a story and rewriting it (which is happening right now with Klone’s Stronghold: Reeni) for various reasons.

More often it’s quick fixes of typos, updating the back matter and…creating a new cover. I started learning how to make semi-decent covers early on in my self-publishing days, when I got ripped off by a cover artist working through someone trying to set up their own hybrid publishing company. Not only did the artist not come anywhere near the concept, but the pricing was way out of line for the times (and given what the quality was, would still be way out of line. Though I suspect the current equivalent would be someone dashing it off using AI).

I started doing my own covers instead of working with a designer regularly because I was also putting out short stories and the cost was just too high. I didn’t like the results working with cover creation programs offered by several distributors, either. Plus I also tend to take pretty decent photographs. Making covers using my own pictures for background images seemed to be a pretty sweet notion.

As a result, I downloaded GIMP and started wrestling with it. GIMP is a perfectly good enough program, but…I started looking elsewhere after a while because it was always a fight to get everything done correctly. One friend does her covers in PowerPoint. I tried it and, well, it was still a wrestling job. Then I ended up with BookBrush and, for me, it’s well worth the expense. I don’t just do covers in it, I do promotional material.

Keep in mind that I’ve been told I have a decent eye for colorways, based on my quilting and my past history making beaded jewelry. Not everyone can do that. I also dedicate some amount of time looking at current covers, taking a few courses here and there, and studying what may or may not work.

The biggest challenge, however, is finding background images that work. I’ve learned the hard way that I have to modify my picture taking in order to create useable cover pictures (though I will use them in promo stuff). Then there’s the challenge of AI-generated images. I won’t use AI, so for a while last year I thought that meant no images on my covers unless they were pictures I’ve taken myself. I couldn’t find anything in my various photo sources that both fit and were uploaded before AI became a thing.

Then…something changed, as evidenced by those two covers above. The original Becoming Solo cover was kinda okay, but it was quickly outdated color-wise and font-wise. I stumbled across that image a week ago while doing something else in BookBrush, and looked up the licensing source data. Imagine my happy surprise when I discovered that this image was created in the twenty-teens, pre-AI. I added an updated font and…I like this cover so much better. To me, it hints of the darkness within that story, not just the choices that the main character Yesenia has to face but a secondary character with darkness within her, Shadow the Question, who has seen the destruction of a Magic Fair first-hand.

(yes, there will be a sequel, no, I don’t know when or what it will be about. Might be Shadow’s story. Might not be. Still brewing in the backbrain.)

The Crucible cover came about from the same sort of poking around—in fact, I discovered both images at the same time. When I was putting together the covers for The Cost of Power trilogy last year, I just couldn’t find anything that worked. I was fiddling with a promotional trailer for the trilogy’s omnibus edition and…this image came up. I took one look at it and realized that this picture of a man with a gun was Gabriel Martiniere throughout this series, but even more so for the second book, Crucible, where Gabe struggles with a LOT of issues and bad choices, in the face of increasing desperation because he can’t admit that he still wants a way out from the Martiniere Family. Which leads to…problems.

I looked up the upload date and, again…a twenty-teen upload. Perfect! The same held true for the other two books of the trilogy as well as the omnibus. Why I couldn’t find them a year ago I don’t know, but I was more than happy to replace the plain brown and gold covers in Cinzel Decorative font (which is in EVERYTHING right now, especially romantasy—I fear it is going to be the next Papyrus as far as people not wanting to see it). Add in the Black Ops One font and the tone…fit.

(the other two covers involve lightning striking two hills…which fits the ending of book one, and a cutout of two lovers looking at each other against a background of a heart made up of sparks, which fits what happens in book three. The omnibus cover is flame against darkness. All twenty-teen uploads, again.)

Sometimes my cover fiddling works and makes me happy, like these covers. Or the covers for my Netwalk Sequence series. Others…well, I’m still struggling with some of the main Martiniere Family Legacy covers. That may be an issue of the fonts. Same for the Goddess’s Honor fantasy series because I haven’t been happy with any of the covers. The original ones by a designer are outdated, alas. Fantasy covers are a big challenge because there is so much AI out there.

But…I’ll keep looking around. Sooner or later I’ll find what I need…as I just discovered.

When the time is right….